And the countdown gets real.
And the summer of dancing and my full time job comes to an end.
And my 2 week family Hamilton road trip is over.
And this weekend, I officiated the first of three weddings in a month--the third of which is in Barcelona. I know, not a bad job if you can get it, right?!?
And then my birthday. 4 decades of existence.
And then...?
For years I said that I never wanted a full time job. I don't need to have one, thanks to my dad's hard work and luck through his career. I have always thought that the work/life balance in American culture is awful. I heard the title of this TED talk once--Work, Family, Exercise, Hobbies, Friends, Healthy Eating--pick two. Or something like that. The good ole fucked up American dream.
So this summer I fell into this crazy full time job of dancing outside in the heat of Philadelphia summers, which was pretty insane, and my family was in pretty good shape, I was getting a shit ton of exercise, I made some new friends and sometimes I even had some healthy eating habits. But mostly I ate camp kid food--and even great camp kid food doesn't qualify for that last one there. I lost some weight, but didn't get too obsessed about it and now I am staring into the abyss.
I mean, not the abyss. More like the great open road of infinite possibilities--but no fucking clarity on which path to take because they all seem totally reasonably good for lots of different reasons. And differently hard and enjoyable.
Do I launch into my Benmosche Project pile and start any one of the 10 different visions I have been imagining over the last two years?
Do I get another Jewish job because it is something I am good at and what I trained for all those years and tweak it to be a little more of what I want, but mostly just something someone else is looking for?
Do I get a totally simple job at a restaurant or a coffee shop, just to have a place to go and some cash in my pocket at the end of the day? Maybe I could go help at the middle eastern place up the street or the cafe in the woods down the hill. Those both felt like options and stepping stones toward learning more about a business to decide if it's worth taking that route, even if there is a huge rate of failure in that direction.
What makes me want to get out of bed in the morning and feel like I am doing something? I know this much is definitely true. The last few weeks weren't great. I believe that depression is a real and debilitating illness that affects people regardless of economic ability.
But being a little rich girl who doesn't have to go to work is definitely a recipe for making my depression worse. I had a much better 2 months while I was working than I have had in years. I don't think I am strong enough for a start up. It is my dream. I am not kidding when I say I have at least 10 different really great ideas to start that could get transformed into solid and realistic business plans with real potential for success.
And I know that me and this keyboard at my desk in my bedroom is the worst choice I can make right now.
So, I have no fucking clue what comes next.
But, I know how to set myself up to succeed and that means needing to work for someone else while I build the dream on the side, for now.
On that note, I have a wedding to finish writing. Thanks for listening. Some people must read this and think--what a fucking millennial. Why do you publish your journal on the internet? You'll regret this one day.
Fuck that. Life's too short. And every once in a while, I say something that someone else can relate to and it makes them feel a little less alone when I have the courage to share my truth.
